Challenge in Relationship

You are asking your partner to be here in the way you need in order to FEEL loved. You felt this way before you met him. In this area, you do need to work. This part is about YOU.

You want him to prove to you that you are loved. You want him to declare his undying love for you in a way that you can feel it. You cannot feel loved from the “outer” reflective reality until you feel your own sense of being loved because you ARE love. You don’t feel this Presence, due to defences you realized within you in order to protect yourself from feeling the woundedness and pain in others who also could not feel Love, their own inner nature. Your protection was erected in order not to feel the “un-loved state” of others. It also denies you your ability to feel your own state of being, as Love. This dilemma is yours to heal. No matter how much your husband did to prove his love for you, you could not receive his love before you receive yourself AS Love, in a felt, lived way.

We are saying that in order for you to feel loved, you need to heal your own system in its “denial of Love” as you. This part is yours to do. You can be together while you learn to register your own energetic Being inside your system but he cannot make you feel loved, no matter what he does or doesn’t do….

Your work then is about Love, and claiming this inherent Being that is you within your embodiment. “Turning into Yourself” is the business at hand.

Your felt sense of “not being worthy” while in your father’s presence and sphere of influence is deeply held. When we are children, we depend upon our parents to hold Love for us, reflecting it to us in thought, word and deed. This is natural. When children, our dependency is valid as our instrument of body/mind/emotion is developing in such a way that we mature into being able to carry our own Light (our heart/soul condition) into expression. Our Soul light IS our Being as Love. Our personality in it, which develops within family connection, is intended to be fostered as a vehicle not as an identity. If our vehicle has received dents and wounds during its maturation, we cannot feel our sense of self as Love in these areas. Do you see that this is a mechanical problem and not a reflection of “who we are” (which is Love)?

You have a wound in the area of being able to receive Love reflected by another because what “should have been” love coming from your father was anger and rage at being responsible for and to those who needed him. He was not able to feel Loved, and this reflection you “caught” and identified as “about you”. How does it feel to open as a child and receive “this” projection from your father that comes from his denial of himself as Love? It feels awful, painful, denying, demeaning, horrible, hateful, ugly, mean, etc. As a child you could not bear your sense of need for love which received pain. You, of course, instinctively closed the door of your heart to your need for love, because it is SO painful to need and not receive truly. This is called denial, which has its usefulness. Walking around with a bleeding wound feels like death. Everything suffers. “Best to not have it,” so we instinctively wall it off in order not to feel.

You chose to become strong through this mechanism. However, to sever a deep need, which requires receptivity and openness, creates a residue and this is the energy called rage. Rage occurs when a separation is created which inherently denies the life its full capacity for fulfilled experience. So we read that your wound, surrounded by rage, was a survival mechanism and both (woundedness and rage) have been held unconscious within your embodiment until your marriage became openly “attacked” by your husband’s confession of emotional and sexual infidelity. Yes, your trust has been shattered and your heart has been deeply disturbed and hurt as you consciously realize how untruthful he has been and can continue to be (if he chooses). It is as if “you didn’t exist”.

Your strength of response comes because your denial mechanisms from your childhood wound also shattered and your unprotected vulnerability, coming from your child state dependency, has surfaced. You are coming into awareness that you need healing in the area of Love. Your issue is deep and old and unable to be completed without help.

As a child, you did this denial on your own. Now that the need, pain and rage is exposed, you need help to reorganize within your patterns of thought and emotion, conditions which have held you in a walled outer strength yet with a deep emptiness and need inside. You need now to LEARN the capacity that is inherent yet dormant, to receive Love. When this receptivity is learned, whether or not others are capable of loving or being loved, you will FEEL your inherent worthiness, your Being which IS Love. Outer dependency upon love from another disappears and a radiant capacity to share and exchange blossoms. Your magnetism in love ensures that your walls are no longer needed, for what you ARE is beyond what normal structures which NEED are, creatively.

You see, when a child, dependency is real. Once matured in the vehicle sense, dependency upon outer sources is a state of immaturity, blockage, unhealed wounding, for the vehicle is now capable of receiving from SOURCE which is INNER not outer. Human Beings have not activated this capacity consciously for few realize that it exists and full maturity as human Being on a psyche/spiritual level requires choice which is awakened within. You are in this readiness.

We read. Your condition within wants what you were unable to have in your time as a child. You are here. You do exist. Your body is trying to show that existence, as it is responding to your inner sense of indignity, which went against the sense of emotional denial, which you felt as, “I don’t matter; I don’t exist.” This inner sense of indignity triggers when who is closest to you disappears into his denials. This growth in matter, in physical size, is like a signal that not all is here in existence. Denial is operating in your environment, both inner and outer.

This condition of “bigger than life” is a statement – I do exist! The healing for this needs to take place emotionally. Can you see how your needs as a child were valid, that your need for love coming to you as nurture, support and affirmation was real? Can you see that those who stood as guardians for our maturation process were also hurt themselves, that they were not able to care for themselves and each other with a radiant loving capacity awakened within themselves? Do you yourself know how to be soft, receptive and embracing with those you love? We are asking you to SEE into what you are asking of your father and of your husband, from a place of anger within yourself. To see human incapacity that arises out of needs not met in childhood and therefore denied and closed off and to doggedly insist that this just be changed without honest searching, seeing, releasing of judgement, anger and childish perspective does not work. We read that your impatience actually perpetuates your own closure within and keeps the out at a distance, in a kind of “no man’s land”. Your discipline within your dilemma is to see that you are the Love you seek, your personal vehicle of body/mind/emotion was conditioned in a softness denying family environment and hasn’t learned to open from within yet for receptivity in the heart/soul Being that you are and that you are now capable of receiving, once activated.

Your habits of impatience, taking over in order to be in control, demand, and projection that another is responsible for you being able to feel loved need awareness, honesty and repatterning. TRUTH on a deep level sets us free. This is ours, each one of ours, to access and receive into our expression from whole Being. Your husband is not you and cannot love with the fierceness and passion of which you are capable. Your love is yours and you are responsible for giving it without projection and demand and retaliatory anger.

You are not unloved by your husband. He has his issues in “love” and he fears loss. One of his choices was to keep “Love” at a certain level of detachment. Then, when it goes away, the loss isn’t so great and, “I can just go on….” What he is attempting to choose is to stay with you and he is not emotionally practised at being present.

How can he stay present emotionally in the atmosphere of threat, of loss in Love? What neither of you has reached in your learning of Being Love is that Love is Eternal. It is forms that come and go. However, while we are identified as the form level or personality/vehicle level, we cannot feel the eternal nature of Being, which is Love. This Love IS. It does exist. You can liken this to the sun. No matter what the cloud cover, no matter that night has fallen, no matter that you have fallen asleep, you can know that the Sun IS, its Light continues to shine. So it is with Love. It IS the Eternal nature. It never leaves. It is felt when the emotional body is no longer charged with fear and anger and separative conditions. It is felt when the cloudiness of mind clears and our childhood beliefs based in a dependency that is no longer real clears.

You asked how to pray within yourself.

You are the Light.

You are the Love.

You are the Life.

You are within THIS as this IS your being.

This prayer IS strength without walls.

This way is felt as Power, which is true, and part of ALL this IS Life.

Your vehicle is a gift from Life. It carries Love as You into expression as human Being. No matter what your father was or was not, as a vehicle, his connection within Light/Life/Love gave you your vehicle and this is service as part of ALL Life for the form is designed by a Presence which supersedes all separation and is a connected vehicle in Life.

Your Life is a gift of the Love that IS Being and it inhabits your vehicle for another round of realization in knowing that you ARE. What you call to know just as each One you meet and feel and Love is what they have come here within to discover the treasure that lives in their “treasure chest” called Love (heart).

Your work comes from what you are. Walls that deny you this treasured essence in Being are breaking down. We walk in the desert when the walls come tumbling down and we are parched for the living waters we are seeking. Continue to recognize your journey. It is not your husband’s journey that you come here to experience. It is your own. He is a companion in Life, one who has held out what he most wants to experience – and that is respect and respectful loving partnership where both are worthy of experiencing the depth that has been missing from his experience in Life.

You need your own sense of matured adult Love within yourself. He needs to recognize that there is more to Love than “skating” from form to form, from impulse to impulse… that something deep and permanent exists within and it is share-able once discovered and activated inside.

You can learn to feel and it takes willingness to see the illusion of your own emotional structure and mental structure. It takes patience to learn beyond the automatic patterns you have created within yourself and how this has become your interface with others. You need to see your own process as yours and recognize your husband’s as a magnification of what is operating and not operating as conditioned human Beings.

Life leads us where we can bring into awakening our greatest capacity within, once we have realised that we need guidance and do not know in our separated personality aspect what is true and what is valid. Only when we are rattled in our fixity of “how to” can we come back to new choices which bring greater life, love and light.

Your work is to keep opening, keep learning…. Find your own Eternal Love within, when and as you continue to make choices that are soft, tender, embracing in recognition of your dependency upon the “inner” no longer upon what you identify “out there”. This is your learning. It leads to your freedom from outer circumstances and your capacity to FEEL fulfilment within what is truly Love.